Friday, 13 April 2012


I've been looking at an empty page for the past half an hour or so and I really have no clue how to start this, so let's sum up the evening.

I've finally sobered up after tonight's "gathering". My family and some of the extended family came around my house, we had steaks for dinner and drank ourselves as though we were fish. It was great, despite not having any red wine (I prefer red to white).
        So, earlier in the day I tweeted that I had sent off an email enquiring a publishing house about any intern placements they have for next year and Barry Murphy replied:

"Where is said internship? I'm intrigued. You putting University on hold?"

Yes. And no? I'm not really sure. My choices are something along the lines of either taking an internship next year, whilst boosting my grades and perhaps even taking a new A-level to get into a better university; or going this year to a lower standard university but then saving a year. When I say lower standard, I don't mean low standard. It's a great uni and the course there is brilliant, but I just think that I can do more. I know I can do more. The internship building itself is somewhere in central London, I can't wait to pay for the commute.

Personally, as I type this, I don't feel ready for university. Is that possible? Should I be feeling this? Everyone else my age seems to be completely ready to go. I mean, I'm done with my sixth-form (college institution, whatever you want to call it) but that's for entirely different reasons.
I feel so... young. That's exactly what you want to be reading, right? You want to know about a struggling adventure of someone who knows exactly what is going to happen and knows their moves three steps ahead of their current one. Reality check.
I'm literally a virgin who can't drive, doesn't have a car, and has recently been rejected from my top two universities because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life at 16.

Life, eh?

I digress, I feel like this "third" or "gap" year could help me mature, get some experience under my belt, and show that I'm devoted to becoming a writer and completing a degree to a high standard for those higher universities.

So the clock ticks 2:21am as I type this on the 13th of April and I should probably be heading off to bed.

Oh. I almost forgot, the internship is for Fantasy & Sci-fi novels, I won't name them as I have no clue if I'm allowed and am slightly scared about if they don't want to be mentioned, etc., etc., you guys get my drift, right? Regardless, how perfect is that for me? Frightfully exciting stuff and I'm trying to stay positive and happy about everything because when I got sad about my rejections I felt so unmotivated. It was quite pathetic really, I practically did nothing all day; I s'pose you could count it as a miniature bout of depression, but I don't want to trivialise depression. Regardless of how many people say they're depressed because their boyfriend of two days dumped them, depression exists and it is more common and powerful than it generally seems.

I've started babbling again, haven't I? Forgive me, it's past my bedtime and I'm just extremely worried with... everything. Let's hope sleep remedies it a little.

Night night guys, and I hope life is treating you well.

Love always,


  1. Hey, don't stress out so much about your seemingly compounding failures. The true failures haven't even begun yet, so worrying now will only cause premature aging. First, I don't want to come across as the guy who's 2 years older than you but somehow has infinite wisdom; that isn't my intention. However, your entry today is eerily similar to a diary entry I wrote my senior year of grade school.

    I was rejected by my top 3 choices of universities. I had decent grades. I had an IB Diploma, scoring 41 out of 49 points, which is supposed to be a big deal here in the US. Oh, and I'm black so I could have filled some diversity quota or whatever. So needless to say, but I shall do it anyway, I was a fucking awesome candidate. I've always had an interest in medicine and science, but if you looked at my high school records, it appeared as though I had an equal interest in classical music, foreign languages, and science. It kind of looked like I didn't know what I wanted. I thought I could visualize myself doing any of the three, but the rejections from science schools made me question that resolve. They even made me question if I were ready for university.

    Alright, so I had all of the introduction to say this: Make sure that your decision to take a gap year is not inspired by rejection. You sound like every future university student who has goals in mind that they want to achieve. Like I mentioned earlier, the rejections are only beginning. I don't go to an Ivy League school for my baccalaureate level as I had planned in high school. I can still plan and hope that I am accepted to one for my doctorate level simply for the social and academic circles the school can catapult me into. However, I've come to realize that an Ivy League doctor and a non-Ivy-League doctor are both still doctors.

    The path that I'm on is not the one that I thought would ensure the greatest success for me. However, I'm finding that now I feel more defined by what I am doing for my future than what I predict a school would have done. I've done some great internships, both within and outside of my major, and that was achieved at a 'lower standard' school. When I am judged at the next level of academia, I'll be aware that politics are always influencing decisions, but my work and thus my worth will have to hold up independently of my undergraduate school. And this will hold true for your written works and theses. If you have exceptional skill, then your school choice will have less of an effect on your success. I don't know what genre you plan to write but I'm confident that you won't be embedding the name of your university into every work lol.

    Keep in mind that you sound just like every student who is preparing to embark on the next phase of their academic career. I know what I've just written is very biased. I've written all of this to provide a backdrop for my argument that you shouldn't be stressed out about being ready. For big decisions in life, you'll never feel completely ready; you'll always have that "buyer's remorse" about your decision. And you will inevitably fall on your face or hit a brick wall or be the victim in some other cliched idiom. These will happen regardless of your choice.

    This is me trying to help ease your mind from the impending depression you have self-diagnosed. If it doesn't help you, then I apologize for wasting so much of your time with my ramblings. However, if it does help, I fully expect a dedication or mention in a foreword or something lol.

  2. Unpaid internships for profit-making businesses seem like nothing more than exploitation. I assume you even have to pay for your commuting back and forth. Good luck with whatever choice you make Andrew. Just don't get stressed out about making a "wrong" decision. You're very young and have lots of time to figure out what you want to do with your life. And btw (unless you're unlike every other human being on the planet) you'll make lots of mistakes along the way.

  3. This blog post echoes my own feelings to such an extent it's actually uncanny. I could write hundreds of pages on this topic, but I'll keep it short for now.

    I don't know anything about your financial situation, but if you can afford it then definitely take a gap year. Not knowing what you want to do with your life is completely natural... hell, I'm 24 now, 3rd year undergrad at one of the Russell Group universities in London, and I've only managed to SORT OF figure out what I would like to do (which has nothing to do with my degree so that boat has sailed lol) but whatever.

    I've wasted a lot of time going from one university to the next (this is my 3rd one, ha!), being all emo about not knowing what I wanted to do and such, but then you realise that it doesn't matter. Honestly.

    Things to keep in mind:
    - Don't settle with a crap uni. You come across as a bright kid, you could get into a good one I'd assume. It's all about prestige.
    - Your degree doesn't matter. Pick something that you'd probably enjoy and study hard so you get at least a 2:1.
    - Get an internship meanwhile. One of my friends has a degree in linguistics, and he also had a 3month intership at a bank. Guess what, he now works in finance in fucking Canary Wharf. That's how much your degree matters (though please try to pick something useful, so no English-Film Studies-Sociology BS, you'll get laughed at).

    "Gate-closing panic" is a well documented phenomenon among the elderly, but there's also a thing called the "gate-opening panic" that a lot of people experience in your situation... I've had my fair share of it lol.

    Oh and if it makes you feel better, I still don't have a driving license (why would I need one in London though?)

    Anyhoooo, if you need help you can find me on twitter, same name. xx

  4. Hi!

    I just came across your blog, as I waas on your youtube page... by the way that 'Remember that time when' video is hilarious! The google+ bit especially haha.

    I live just outide London in Essex :)

    Anyway, it is wierd I am in a really similar position. I am applying to do Business & Politics, after deciding what I was going to do! I was hoping to apply to an American Uni but it was never really going to happen because I would have had to take the SAT's and it is way too expensive :(

    So then I didn't get what I was predicted at AS, actually I got quite a lot less than I was predicted. I also do a lot of extra-curricular stuff, which people say is really impressive but at the end of the day, the grades are what is really important!

    Because of that I had to apply to lower down Universities than the ones I has visited... Also, because I only have C Grade GCSE maths. I mean seriously, if I can get a B grade at A2 Business for a Business degree, why do they require me to have a B from GCSE! Besides, I was made to do it early and because I got my C they made me do full course RE instead and stop maths :/

    I digress, so I considered re-taking the year having almost failed my fifth AS, in the end my parents convinced me not to because my grades weren't awful and I don't think they were keen on me taking a year out...

    So I have now accepted my Uni offers, which include Aberystwyth and Hull same as you! I am still looking at some college leaver programmes instead but I am feeling better about going to Uni now. Need three B's for Uni and to get into a grad scheme after but their not bad Universities and I will just work hard to get experience over summer, an internship in the third year if I can and hopefully will finish with at least a 2:1 and some good extra curricular stuff- Plus, I can still spend a year abroad, probably America, as part of my degree!!

    I am not going to give you any advice on what to do because I can hardly sort my own life out haha.

    Still, I hope you are able to decide on what you do and chose the righ thing for you :)

    P.S. I have been learning to drive for over a year... I have just come to accept it is not where my talent lies lol! At least you have half decent transport in London :P

  5. Thinking that in the comment should be everyghing I could tell you, I say that I like your videos and I love your writting.


  6. wrong decisions and right decisions are nothing more than the gathering of similar opinions that have been integrated into our grey matter to keep us in line with what is considered the socially claimed correct and wrong way. if you dont feel ready you dont feel ready "missing out' on a year of putting urself ahead is no big deal. im a newly 24year old and like Dennis says im not trying to say my age gives me wisdom (hopefully im not way older than u *smiley face*) but i have my bach. in biology and am currently in med school but i at times feel unwilling to continue and when i do feel this way for a prolonged period of time i just check out of school and enjoy my time under my rock. then go back to school when i see fit. MANY friends and family have deemed my dumb for doing so but i quickly raise my index finger and say "and thats your opinion and though it may mean a massive amount of importance to you, to me its redundant" take all the time u need ur young and have plenty of years to figure urself out and figure out ur ultimate plan.

    best of luck in all that u do Sir. Andrew

    kisses from texas

  7. your writing is awesome....I am sure you will be a great writer. about intern ship or university don't worry about that. Do what you want to to do... follow your heart and dreams... its your life and its only once. live the way you want it to be